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[06 May 2004|05:33pm] |
AMANDA MARIE MENDOZA!
i bet you won't guess what, we're moving in together, it's a done deal. i was scared we weren't going to because my dad kept saying i was crazy and that it wasn't the rational thing to do. but we talked about it, we were very open with eachother about a lot of things. this doesn't mean that i didn't keep a thing or two from him, you know those kinds of things you just don't tell your father because he'll go out and buy a revolver, and i mean, i love my boyfriend, i wouldn't want him to die. i am sidetracking. anyway. so he finally understands that i can't live here anymore, first he invited me to go live with him, i can't lie and say it wasn't really tempting at first, but then i remembered how much i hate his loverbitchwhore. i think he is trying to brainwash me against my mother, but i informed him it wasn't necessary. it is funny how they are so convergent. (i learned that in science today. convergent boundaries are where two tectonic plates are crashing against eachother. i like learning.) we were talking about college and i told him i wanted to go to OCC my first to years and transfer into USD or UCSD. the more money i save the better. we are going to need to rent out a cheap two bedroom apartment plus furnishings. we don't really need cool expensive stuff though, because you can just paint our walls and make our furniture. i hope we don't get sick of eachother, which might not happen over the course of two whole years!! but you know, you never know. maybe we can get a 1 bedroom and get a pull out couch. i get the bed because you know i'm going to be having all the sex, you can have the couch to cuddle with sergio. plus i'll probably be at my boyfriend's most of the time, if i have one then. and if it's the same one i have now then i'll be spending time at loyola. wow as i'm thinking more and more about this i'm getting more and more excited. i seriously want to start packing now. we can share my computer because well, it's MY computer and my mother has no use for it. when my sister needs a computer, i will buy her one. i'm going to be making alot of money. this summer i'm getting an internship at a lawfirm. not really an internship but i'm going to be filing papers and whatnot. or i can be a part-time nanny. we can share my car. we can go grocery shopping and we won't buy things unless tehy are absolutely necessary. we probably won't be able to move out until after i turn 18 which is in september of 2005. mandie, 2005 is next year. in one year it will be even closer to this point. i'm just happy that my dad is supporting us though, he out of all people knows the hell it is to live with my mother and he knows that we clash so he said i better start working now. i think i'm going to try and get a scholarship to OCC for french or something so i donth ave to work as hard as im planning to during the summer. the lawfirm person is going to pay me big money because he is pretty wealthy. i'll work all i can. my dad also said he is goign to get me a credit card and put $200 in it every month. and i'm going to try not to spend that although knowing myself i probably will. mandie this is so great, i wish it was tomorrow when we kissed our parents goodbye and goodluck without us. maybe my brother can help us out too. we can keep my bed and bring all my furniture and you can paint it. and we can buy plastic forks spoons and reuse them so they are not that expensive and we can reuse and recycle them. i'm thinking cheap so we can save for our lives in the future. no one will care, we can decorate our plastic spoons and shit. we have to have an ample place though, not too small, so we can have mad parties and have people sleep on the floor if they wanna crash. and we should buy alot of sleeping bags. we might want to sleep outside sometimes, but in our complex, that might not be legal. fuck fuck mandie i am so excited. life is going to be perfect.
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| A Mandie Original |
[10 Apr 2004|07:16pm] |
I think
I feel
I plead and beg and scream
Demand for someone to listen
My thoughts, ideas, and theories pouring forth
To bear witness to the world
Writing, scratching, making note
Of everything i see
The tears
The reality
The pain and blood and death
Innocence forever oppressed beneath the cold dark cloud
That has become my surroundings
A hand goes up
The red dripping down the smooth but thiining fingernail
It thinks
It feels
It pleads and begs and screams
Demands for someone to listen
Its pain, its blood, its death is pouring forth
To bear witness to the world
It cannot cry
But it reaches out
Forces its way through the wet, black mudd
Pushing, slashing, forcing its way out
Until it penetrates and nauseates and infiltrates
The souls of passersby
You pass by
You vomit
Heaving, seething, breathing out
The image keeps pushing, slashing, forcing a way out
Through every passerby
You stop
It grabs you
Pulls you, thrusts you, drags you down
Until the earth engulfs you
Gasping, reaching, hoping
You try to save yourself
And then you bleed
Your pain, your blood, your death
Come pouring forth
To bear witness to the world
You think
You feel
You plead and beg and scream
Demand for someone to listen
Your hand goes up
The red dripping down your smooth but thinning fingernail
Its your turn now
To penetrate and nauseate and infiltrate
The souls of passersby
It could be art
But maybe its a message waiting to be read
The writing on the wall transforming into manuscript
The broken unfinished sentences of all those left undead
Your hand waits there
Buried in the ground
To pull and thrust and drag another down
You are writing, scratching, making note
Of everything you see
Your thoughts, ideas, and theories pouring forth
Waiting, growing, rising to the brink
You're teetering on the edge
Praying for release
You need one, just one
God forsaken passerby
To gasp and hope and reach
And try to save themselves
And all the while your thoughts are raging
Penetrating, nauseating, infiltrating
The essence of your sanity
And your stuck there waiting
Thinking, wondering, gratifying
Yourself with fantasies and images
Of all those left to bleed out
But still you're waiting
Thinking, feeling, pleading
Begging, screaming, demanding
Writing, scratching, making note
Seeing, crying, bleeding
Dripping, pushing, slashing
Forcing a way out
Penetrating, Nauseating, Infiltrating
Heaving, seething, breathing out
Gasping, reaching, pulling down
Grabbing, raging, losing track
You know it isn't art
So maybe it's a message waiting to be read
The writing on the wall transforming into manuscript
The broken unfinished sentences of all those left undead
The thoughts and theories transforming into manuscript
The broken unfinished sentences of all those left undead
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| i sound like a beat-nik |
[06 Mar 2004|07:45pm] |
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music |
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"Chic and Cherry Cola" |
] |
I'm sittin' at my computer drinkin a fine sunkist
When really it is leslie that i truly miss
Sittin and typin in my pretty blue jeans
Tryin to figure out what exactly it is i mean...
i just thought of that right now. i think it means i am bored. but i also think that i means "i miss leslie really really badly." -sigh- i will go now...but only because i am grounded.
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| to my sweetness |
[02 Mar 2004|10:26am] |
MANDIE!!!! I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOWWWWW!!!!
i love you. -leslie
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[01 Mar 2004|05:57pm] |
i apologize for not writing in so long. i promise it was not intentional. just laziness/business. anyways, you already know what has happened with melissa. so i shall not discuss that again. i shall only say that i hate doctors and i think they should all die... but onto other business. i never gave you your poem:
i cannot say i love you to you because
that would be like saying i love you to me
which is something i would never do
because i would not be speaking properly
so i'll tell you what is going to ensue
and maybe it is a different way to be
but i am going to run away with you
in a world called mandeslie...
so many things we'll have to do
when we move into the city
we'll be the light, the pleasure, and imbue
because, let's face it, we're oh so pretty
and when its time and the rent is due
we will not stress and get all crazy
sife will be quite a pleasureable hue
in a world called mandeslie...
but we must be careful not to get sued
and i will now speak frankly
we both know our antics will be reprooved
our nonsense, our definition of maturity
of course this shouldnt worry you
you neednt look so blankly
there will always be fun things to do
in our world called mandeslie...
there will be days when we are blue
we'll have messy hair and dress all plainly
but on Halloween we'll both say "boo"
so im guessing 'twill be smiles mainly
and as you know, we always knew
life will not be perfect-at least not completely
but you'll have me and i'll have you
in the wonderous world of mandie and leslie...
i love my leslie! she is mine all mine and i will never let her go. but whoever i must share her with -since she is too beautiful for me to have all to myself- is going to have to be the greatest person alive, because anything less than that is less than enough for her...
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| The "I need to keep busy so I am writing pointless entries" entry |
[03 Feb 2004|05:52pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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who know |
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We can only speculate what goes on behind closed doors
Daddy's little girl shedding tears on her pillow
Just wanting not to live anymore
Asking me to take her away
I dont know what to do as she jumps in my arms
I know its hard to hold her still though
And all she wants to do is drive away real far
I know im her escape
So dont you cry
Wipe away those tears
Im always here to comfort you
Dont you ever fear
I know its hard
To go through what you go through
You'll always have my shoulder
As long as i have you
I wake up to the sound of a ringing phone
Look at the clock and it reads 3 a.m.
Pick up the phone shes on the other line
Weeping again
So dont you cry
Wipe away those tears
Im always here to comfort you
Dont you ever fear
I know its hard
To go through what you go through
You'll always have my shoulder
As long as i have you
You ran away from all the pain
The pain of life at home
You ran away from even me
I had to let you go
So dont you cry
Wipe away those tears
Im always here to comfort you
Dont you ever fear
I know its hard
To go through what you go through
You'll always have my shoulder
As long as i have you
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| aw geez... it's like she KNOWS. you know? |
[29 Jan 2004|06:48pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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what do you think? |
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"White Flag"dido
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
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| Mandie has finals |
[29 Jan 2004|01:47pm] |
Today has been an exceptional day. Yesterday i took my English final, on which i got an A giving me a B in the class and my History final on which i got an A giving me a B in the class. Today i took my spanish final on which i got a B hopefully allowing me to keep my B in the class and my biology final. I do not know what i got on that final, but it felt pretty good. I have gone from a D to a B in that class
-!!because Mr. Byrini is the greatest teacher ever!!- so if i go back down to a C because of the final i am going to be pissed. But, like i said, it felt pretty good. This is why today has been an exceptional day.
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| inside my head |
[28 Jan 2004|09:26pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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everybody else |
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There are so many things I have to say. So many things I want to tell people. So many things I want to do. But I cant. I look back at the things that have happened and the things I have done and I have sooo many regrets. I was talking to tony about how life in this society is pointless. We work to be educated only to find out that we are not educated enough. There is always someone better. If you get straight A’s, there is always the person who gets straight A’s in all ap classes. You work in order to save money so that you can do something with your life only to find that the money disappears with new taxes and mortgage payments and insurance. It is pointless to try to get anywhere with the way society works. I look at my dad. He was the only one of seven children to go to college, and he is the only one who has to work like a dog without any sleep so he can have just enough money to live on until the bills come in the mail and he realizes that he has to take another job just to keep the debt he owes from rising even higher. He is not happy. And my mother is the same. This is the way things are. Living in this day and age is no longer about finding yourself and getting all you can out of life. It is about competition. Some will win, some will lose, and others will simply try to finish, but everyone has to compete. There is no choice in the matter. Knowing this, I think that we are given a choice. We can accept the fact that we have to compete and hope that things work out, we can ignore the competition by deliberately losing, or we can rebel against and try to make it something better. The problem is, in order to make anything better, you have to be one of the winners. And those chances are slim. I know this and it frustrates me. I get angry. But I get even more frustrated knowing that I could have been different. I look at what I used to be. I was great. I was strong. I could have changed things and made a difference. But I screwed up. I realize that it is not all my fault. My parents had a little something to do with it. But I could have changed that too. And I didn’t. this is what I regret. Because, essentially I am the same person. I still have dreams and ambitions. I still want to change the world and embark on the journey of opening new doors to other people, but now I am held back. And, ironically enough, I am held back by the very thing I want to change. I think about it, and I know what I want to do when I grow up. I want to make a difference. And I think of ways to do this. I could become political and try to change things at the rout of the problem, but I have not the grades for that. I did once. I was brilliant, but I screwed up. I let things get in the way. I have tried to make up for them, but it is not enough. I could make my ideas heard. Become some sort of musical prodigy that people will listen to, but I have not the luck for that. Thus, I have decided that as insignificant in comparison to previously stated suggestions, I will write. I will write for newspapers and magazines or I will start my own magazine and I will hope that someone listens. It is not much. But it is all I have left. Things need to change. Children should have rights. Adults should be able to dictate their own social class. People should not be held back by the standards of what has happened in the past. Credit should not prevent people from raising the bar of their living standards. Money should not have such a great effect on the way people live or what people want to do with their lives. There should be less corruption in both politics and in society. There should not be war. There are so many things that need to be changed. I want to change them. I want be people to recognize that I want to change them. I know that these things will not happen overnight. Progressivism scares people. Change scares people. The breaking of tradition scares people. It will take time, and most likely I will not live to see it, but I want to start it. I want to know that I did something important. I want my ideas to have had an effect, a positive effect. Actually, I had a much more compelling argument, one that was more thought out and organized, but I lost my train of thought and began to ramble. Thus I shall leave. I will return when I regain my train of thought. But most likely I will have thought of something else to talk about by then…
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